I’ve been dying to relive my own misspent youth ever since we dropped the kid off at university. I glared at those freshmen with their unlined faces and elevated asses, and reluctantly relinquished my crown. However, nostalgia has a way of softening the rough patches from our memories. I’m convinced our glory days are NOW!
1. Missed periods used to trigger pregnancy alarm bells. Nowadays, an honorable discharge from the uterine navy is celebrated. Mazel tov! Use the surplus savings from sanitary supplies to build a wine cellar.
2. As we age and collagen decreases, our skin gets thinner. That’s ironic considering mental maturity has blessed me with thicker skin. Life is so much more enjoyable when you just don’t give a fuck.
3. No more Baby Duck or Mateaus. No more Blow Jobs or Sex on the Beach. What about panty remover? Not by the hair of my (lemon) ginny gin gin.
4. When we were younger, babysitters and crazy kid’s schedules determined our social life. The minute they pass their driver’s license, it’s like William Wallace in Braveheart. FREEDOM!
5. Having trouble getting up after a Netflix binge? Exertion farts may not be ladylike but handled properly, will help propel you off the couch.
6. Welcome to your tankini years. At this age, the pressure’s off to squeeze into a bikini, yet it’s too soon for the flowered swim cap. Karma’s a beach on tropical vay-cays.
7. I used to love high intensity aerobics. Jane Fonda was my spirit animal. Now my favourite yoga pose is lying motionless in Savasana. It’s no longer about tightening my ass, it’s about keeping my head out of it.
8. After years of adolescent research, I’ve uncovered what’s not in my wheelhouse. Mixing my drinks, skipping meals, and downing shots like a baby bird. The wiser me carbs up before benders, drink plenty of fluids, and gravol’s myself to sleep.
9. Over time we learn to differentiate between who would take a bullet for you, and who’s a bitch. We’ve outgrown the drama queens, shit disturbers, and toxic friends. Make sure you’re surrounded by beautiful women who have your back.
10. No more perms, mullets, crimping irons, or backcombed bangs.
We’ve come a long way baby!