Knowing Your Shit Vs. Knowing You’re Shit

I’m a grammar snob. It pains me to see the English language, in all its ridiculous glory, massacred by texts. Obviously, the medieval mad men responsible for creating such absurd rules were shitfaced. With every shot, they’d chuckle and say, “Let’s throw a silent G into champagne, mind fuck, har, har!”  We’ve been #blessed with the the vocabulary of well-educated sailors, qualifying us to point out idiosyncrasies.

1. Punctuation

Remember teenagers, nothing is scarier than a missed period. Interpreting run-on sentences is like cracking a secret code. Exclamation points are fun party hounds, adding extra oomph to ordinary conversations!! Writing in ALL CAPS insinuates a bold and sassy, or loud and brassy tone!

2. Commas

Use ‘comma’ sense or sound like a psycho. I like cooking my family and my pets.

3. Silent letters

The word phonetically doesn’t even start with a fucking F. Honestly, whoever wrote a paragraph combing through silent letters should be acknowledged and brought a glass of draught.

4. Dictionary/Thesaurus

Dictionaries stayed current with the addition of words like selfie, twerk, food-baby, mommy porn, amazeballs, and woot woot. But while the dictionary maintained that thrift shop swag, the same can’t be said for the Encyclopedia Britannica. This massive 32 volume gilt lettered set was expensive, heavy, and too big for a backpack. I guess their tomb was up.

5. Cursive/Typing

In high school tests, cursive was discreetly scratched on our wrists and hands. Now, it’s rocking out with 8-tracks and cassettes. Typing class consisted of two pieces of paper with carbon tucked awkwardly in between, inevitably leaving black fingerprints on the good copy. If the white out wasn’t dry after blowing on it, you were left with a gooey mess.

6. Texting

When I was a teen, handwritten chain letters were all the rage. You risked imminent death if you didn’t forward it to your closest friends. Texting turned English into a second language called B4 – BINGO.

7. Homophones

Homophones are words that sound the same, but are spelled otherwise and have different meanings. You no you’re a homophone if you scents something wrong with this paragraph. Their are at least too ways of spelling certain words but if you chews the wrong won it altars the meaning of the sentence. For example; a man who sales for a living is known as a semen.

Contraction and Possessive

A contraction is two words combined by an apostrophe. Possessive shows ownership. I can’t believe I went out with an apostrophe.  He was so possessive.

You’re … You are
Your … belongs to you
They’re … they are
There … where/place
Their … not yours

The “I before E” dilemma

I before E…except when you run a feisty heist for a weird beige foreign neighbor. Your homework assignment today is to find the 44 words that actually follow the rule.

Capitalization

Need we say more…

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