Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts, but even he couldn’t survive 2016.
2016 was a real bitch, but I suppose the people of Pompeii have seen worse. To offset talk of being the worst year ever, we’ve compiled a humorous list of the highs and lows of the year.
High: Roses are red, violets are blue, we have an arranged marriage waiting for you. Zimbabwe bans child marriage so girls under 18 don’t say “I do”…what he says.
Low: It’s clear David Bowie was under pressure to hold the universe together. Look what’s happened since. Farewell Starman. Our love for you will never ch-ch-change.
High: A prediction by Albert Einstein finally came true. 100 years later, evidence of gravitational waves proves what happens in a black hole, doesn’t stay in a black hole.
Low: The Oscars celebrate Hollywood’s best and whitest… I mean, brightest stars.
Sisters: How To Build A Killer Playlist
High: Great Scott! Doc and Marty McFly will be overjoyed to find Nike self-lacing sneakers coming to a hoverboard near you. Just in case Velcro wasn’t enough…
Low: Adding to airline anxiety, deadly explosions struck an airport and metro station in Brussels, killing 32 people and injuring over 300. Leaving many to wonder why we call airports a terminal.
Sisters: Daddy’s Girl
High: At 90 years old, the Queen becomes the longest serving monarch, beating the butterfly by 63 years. During her reign she’s met 12 U.S. Presidents and 7 Popes. A reminder to always wear your invisible crown.
Low: Where’s the beef? Earls Restaurants’ decision to switch to ethically raised U.S. beef was a kick in the Angus, a slap in the sirloin. Albertans boycotted, claiming the steaks had never been higher.
Sisters: Let It F***ing Go
High: Gord Downie’s tragic terminal diagnosis confirms there’s no dress rehearsal, this is real life. Turning lemons into margs, the Hip’s tour has raised over $1 million dollars for brain cancer research.
Low: A rare gorilla named Harambe was shot and killed after a 4-year-old boy fell into his pen. Outrage as to why he wasn’t tranquilized drove animal activists utterly apeshit.
High: Novak Djokovic prevails at the French Open tennis tournament in Paris. He holds four Grand Slam titles concurrently, making him the first man to do so since ’69. Baby Got Back hand.
Low: Britain files for divorce from the European Union. The Brexit vote was close with 52% choosing Pride and Prejudice, over 48% Sense and Sensibility. I can’t live, if living is without EU.
Sisters: Top 10 Reasons Women Love Wine!
High: I came in like a Pokéball! Nintendo hit the jigglypuff jackpot with the launch of Pokémon Go. Cellar dwellers from around the world trekked 4.6 billion km for a peek at Pikachu.
Low: A member of the Canadian Tenors tee’d off the true north by altering lyrics to Oh Canada. Ironically, his message of love and #AllLivesMatter incited a riot.
Sisters: Craven Country Music Jamboree
High: 16-year-old Penny Oleksiak added her two cents to Canadian history books. The swimmer won four medals, propelling girl power to bring home 16 of 22 medals.
Low: To avoid the creepy clown craze, Ronald McDonald was put on leave. He’s not scary, but his food kills more people than any other clown.
High: Mother Teresa didn’t walk around complaining about her thighs. She had real shit to do. This year, her unending compassion for the poor earned her the title of Saint Teresa.
Low: After 10 years of marriage, Angelina Jolie dropped a bombshell by separating from Brad Pitt and loudly declaring, “it’s you, not me.” The custody battle over their 323 kids should be interesting.
High: Not only did GM Theo Epstein break the Boston Red Sox curse of the bambino, he said I goat this by taking the Chicago Cubs from cursed to first. Proving every team can have a bad century.
Low: Bob Dylan becomes the first musician to win a Nobel Prize for Literature. His reluctance to reply speaks clearly (a first for Dylan) no one was more surprised than the poet himself. Looks like the Nobel committee recently discovered weed.
Sisters: An Open Letter To My Boobs
High: Ellen DeGeneres earns the Presidential Medal of Honour by demonstrating that kindness doesn’t cost a damn thing. Sprinkle that shit everywhere.
Low: In what felt like America’s season finale, Donald J. Trump became the 45th President of the United States. It’s unclear whether he’ll leave the U.S. for a younger, prettier country.
Sisters: Caution: Memory Loss Ahead
High: The Bachelor released it’s own brand of wine, just in time to get you through the next season of cringe-worthy episodes. The Fantasy Suite Cabernet Sauvignon, One on One Chardonnay, and The Final Rose Rosé are just as cheap as you’d expect.
Low: From Glenn Frey and Arnold Palmer, to Prince and Leonard Cohen; the world lost more than 80 icons this year. Makes you wonder if Quentin Tarantino was directing 2016!
Sisters: Pentatonix esquisite rendition of Hallelujah
JOIN THE SISTERHOOD. Subscribe today!
Refer a friend, or share using the Facebook and Twitter icons below.