Take one woman in the prime of her life.
Add a dash of sperm.
Fold in nausea and uncontrollable food cravings.
Sprinkle in stretch marks, tender breasts, and swollen ankles.
Stir constantly until mood swings blend with regular emotions.
Let rise for 40 weeks.
Baking is complete when the belly button pops out – put a fork in her, she’s done.
Spread her dignity on a bed in a brightly lit room.
Epidural is optional (but highly recommended).
Remove 1 – 3 newborns from the inside of her womb.
Trim off excess cord.
Serve the fresh baby in her shaky arms while she’s still conscious.
Grate nipples into baby’s endlessly hungry mouth.
Peel off diapers and remove shit-filled excess from underneath her fingernails.
Bring to a boil sleepless nights until tears glaze her face.
Truss baby in a swaddling blanket and rock until screaming subsides.
Chop hair into a short, non-fussy Mom style.
Reduce sexual contact until fear of another pregnancy subsides.
Attempt to skim excess fat from the middle, thighs, and breasts.
Marinate baby in wisdom, morals, and manners for the next 18 years.
Toss with unconditional love.
Dish out support, praise, and encouragement.
Feast on the marvel and miracle that is motherhood.
This recipe can be used again and again until the ingredients dry up…
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