1. Back pain is a direct result of youth leaving your body.
2. Trimming your nose hair is an actual thing.
3. Rock ‘n roll all night and party every day. In the future, it’s potty every night.
4. If you thought dry spells were long when you were single, wait ’til you’re married.
5. If you don’t show some love to your elbows and knees, they’ll betray you.
6. Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.
7. Fad diets and taco cleanses don’t work.
8. Romaine calm. Fiber is destined to become a friend.
9. Stockpile your sleep like a squirrel hoards nuts for winter.
10. Sodium labels suddenly make sense. A salt with a deadly weapon.
11. Grab a piece of the pie. Literally and figuratively.
12. Wash your face every damn night.
13. Dry shampoo is a civilized way to throw in the towel. A shower is considered ‘fancy.’
14. You’re not the only one who doesn’t have their shit together. Some just hide it better than others.
15. Your drinking prowess will atrophy. Hangovers become a two day affair. Children’s pedialyte will save your ass.
16. The first few months after having a baby feels like your wings are plucked off. Don’t panic, they grow back in 18 years.
17. Condoms prevent minivans.
18. Trust your intuition. Spidey senses tingle for a reason.
19. If you rest too long, you’ll rust.
20. Good things happen to those who go out and fucking earn it.
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