How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her…
Her: Whenever I get the urge to rip your beating heart out of your chest, I’m just as surprised as you are. Call it mood swings or hormonally challenged, but when the ancient blood curse casts its spell, a she-wolf is unleashed.
Him: I don’t even see it coming. It’s like a boxer dropping his shoulder and suddenly, wham, an uppercut to the throat. When you snarl at the moon, I get scared. The sitcoms make it seem funny, but in real life it’s Cujo all over again.
How would I describe PMS? Picture a thick green fog wafting in under the cracks of your door. It blankets everything in sight with a foul layer of gas. Its toxic friends, crazy mood swings and irrational anger love to tag along.
Around the age of 12, we start snapping back at our parents with huffy, unprovoked angst. This is just the beginning in a never-ending series of highs and lows. Hormones swaddle us in their psychotic embrace for the rest of our lives.
When I was expecting, I sobbed uncontrollably when my favorite restaurant stopped making curry dip for their chicken fingers. A colossal mommy-to-be meltdown. I was sabotaged by my baby box. At least when you’re pregnant, people are forgiving of erratic behaviour. You’re not given that luxury when you’re (peri) menopausal.
Mood swings are caused by a fluctuation in progesterone and estrogen. When estrogen levels are high we become irritable, edgy, and angry. When estrogen is low the pendulum swings to sad, weepy, and depressed. Imbalanced hormones invoke the wrath and righteousness of a Televangelist.
It’s liberating to recognize our hormones are bigger than us. Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘I’m gonna go bat-shit crazy, just for sport.’ Occasionally, you raise the white flag and admit you’re powerless. Days like this should come with a hazard sign. Today is going to suck, so bring alcohol!
Sangria Wine Rack
|Sister Simmer||Male survival guide|
|Find an outlet (like a shooting range)||Don’t tell her she’s “in a mood”|
|Know when to walk away||Never leave your back or neck exposed|
|Don’t add fuel to the fire||Stop lighting matches|
|Think before you speak, use a filter||Think before you speak, use a filter|
|Laugh at yourself, but not in a maniacal way||Stock the house with lots of wine|
|Listen to music||Buy her noise cancelling headphones|
|Eat comfort food with a spoon, not a shovel||Don’t count her candy wrappers|
|Try a little tenderness||Dodge attempts at tenderness...it’s a trap|
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*Originally posted in October 2014