Health

Menopause Can Kiss My Ass

Menopause…
It’s nobody’s fault but somebody is going to pay.

My first hot flash woke me one morning, when my husband moved in for a spoon (he was jockeying for a fork). Without warning the dry tinder ignited, spreading faster than small town gossip. He jumped back exclaiming “Holy shit, you’re hot.” Yessss, I thought, the ol’ gal’s still got it!

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

At 49 I graduated from peri-psychotic to mad as a hatter. A faulty internal furnace feels like coal being shoveled into the belly of a train. When that bitch fires up, she’s hard to extinguish. We dress in layers to transition from hot spells to cold fronts.

Sorry, I completely lost my train of thought

It’s mind-blowing when simple words sit on the tip of your tongue, but your mouth won’t spit them out. I worry my brain cells are suffering the consequence of a misspent youth. The voices inside my head keep saying “Girl, you crazy,” but that’s just The Pause talking.

Sweat is fat, crying

The fact you’re never eating for two again only makes you hungrier. That third snowman roll clings to your middle, vowing its love through thick and thin. Good luck finding the energy to exercise, because 4:00 a.m. is the most alert you’re going to feel all day.

Menopause is the new puberty

We’re back to suffering the same indignities as a pubescent teen. Our brows are the only place hair isn’t growing. Pruning my ‘stache, chin, and soul patch is the new norm. That’s right, I said soul patch. Extra strength deodorant Right Guards my Secret, disguising this unfamiliar odor with a powder fresh scent.

What’s up down there?

Have you ever walked down a grocery aisle, farting with every step you take? It’s only funny the first time. I can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee…all at the same time. You’d think after years of periods, childbirth, and gyno probes, it couldn’t get any worse.

Haven’t we been through enough? The scary truth is The Pause is a bully that makes PMS its bitch. Its not you, it’s me-nopause. Now, where did I leave my wine glass? I’ll be back in a flash…

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  1. Karen

    What a coincidence! I’m reading this at 3:08 am cause I can’t sleep and my glasses keep fogging up from the hot steam coming off my face. Loved it girls.

  2. Ken MacLean

    This one put the ‘ish’ in squeamish. I thank the Good Lord I was born male.

  3. Bonnie Faucher

    You girls nailed it! It’s nice to be able to laugh about it! Thanks!

  4. Shelley

    Thanks for the weekly giggles!
    I read this while standing in my kitchen in my down-filled jacket scarfing down a half a loaf of banana bread.
    I am going to be okay… right?

  5. Jodi

    Good one. Thanks for the great weekly reads. So love reading them.

  6. Moi

    Too funny but so true!

  7. Kevin Allison

    Hey Ladies,
    Hilarious shit as ever. Can you add my wife Michele to your blog roll? Her email address is mnd03@shaw.ca.
    Thanks,
    Kevin

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