A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sipping a glass of wine.
The wife exclaims “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
The husband gently smiles and asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”
Wine and motherhood have become intricately intertwined. This delicious nectar provides perspective, tolerance, and temporarily turns us into better parents. Its easy to keep your sanity without self medicating, said no Mom ever. The toddler years alone encourage mild alcoholism. Wine can be instrumental in controlling tantrums, yours not theirs. Wine reminds us to keep calm and mother on.
School council and fundraising committees became my social network. Meetings adjourned when the bottle was drained. The creativity factor doubled once we discovered day-drinking. We built playgrounds, loyalties, and deep-rooted friendships. Lifelong accomplices were formed with wine as the common denominator. These bitches are not judgmental, in fact, they’ll remind you that a single glass of wine can get lonely, so it’s thoughtful to pour her a friend.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
Wine does not ask unnecessary questions. Wine understands. We covet this sweet elixir and have found it necessary, particularly on tropical vacations, to cram our neighbor’s recycle bins with empty bottles when ours was overflowing. White wine is delicate and fruity and begs us to swim in it on sun-drenched patios, but can be equally effective in inclement weather rain rain go away – or I’ll finish this bottle of Chardonnay. Red wine, with its supposed medicinal purposes, fancies itself as upscale, chic, and all that. Insert finger snap here.
Whether your tastes run to a full bodied scarlet or a pale golden glow, this sexual tonic really ‘wets the whistle.’ Suddenly your mate looks finger lickin’ good. Flirtation, fellatio, and fornication may result if man-handled properly. Zero to naked in 1.5 hours. This has a small window of opportunity, as the first sign of sober triggers the vault to be sealed. Red wine has a feisty reputation for enhancing flexibility, but only if initiated before the notorious hangover headache kicks in.
The drink of choice has shifted over the years. In the days of poodle skirts and carefully teased hair, concoctions such as Tom Collins, Bloody Mary’s and Harvey Manbangers, er, Wallbangers were all the rage. Modern women have mixed feelings about these drinks, or more accurately mixed drinks about these feelings. We tend to judge cocktails with the telltale clink of ice cubes as hardcore. Wine is perceived to be a more sophisticated, civilized, dare we say superior intoxicant.
A grading system can be an effective tool for overachieving friends. Whoop it up, let your hair down, and improve your score. Judgement should not be reserved to one social event as we can all have an off night.
|Sangria Wine Rack|
|A+||Goes for 1; stays till 2|
|A||Recognizes tequila as the quicker-picker-upper|
|A-||Drinks well with others|
|B+||Favourite colors are red and white|
|B||Drinks = Personality|
|B-||Frequent communication with husband/kids|
|C+||Occasionally bursts into tears|
|C||Sloppy, repeats herself|
|C-||Slutty, works the twerk while dancing|
|D||Combative, go fuck yourself attitude|
|F||Forced to hold her hair back in the ladies stall|
Recommended drinking tunes you should have on your iPod:
- Halestorm ❂ Here’s To Us
- Rihanna ✽ Cheers (Drink To That)
- Amy Winehouse ✭ Rehab
Eurythmics ✫ Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves