When our grasshoppers were young, we pledged allegiance to the golden tonic. Because mommin’ ain’t easy, and adulting is hard. Wine armed us with perspective, tolerance, and tempered my tantrums. It allowed me to keep calm and mother on.
We banded in solidarity with other muthers. Cork dorks and lifelong accomplices were formed with 🍷 as a common denominator. Bitches know that a single glass gets lonely, so it’s thoughtful to pour her a friend.
White wine drew us to sunny backyard patios, but was equally effective in stormy weather. Rain rain go away – or we’ll finish this bottle of Chardonnay.
Red wine, with all its medicinal purposes, fancies itself upscale, chichi, all the fuckin’ that. Insert finger snap here.
Whether your taste runs to a full bodied scarlet or pale amber glow, wine is a sexual elixir. It wets your whistle, goading physically exhausted females to dive knee-deep into monkey love.
Do you remember the last time your mate looked finger lickin’ good without it?
A word of warning fellas, it’s a small window of opportunity. The first sign of sober signals the vault to seal tight.
A grading system is a great way to judge your friends. Whoop it up, let your hair down, improve your score!
|Sangria Wine Rack|
|A+||Goes for 1 - Stays till 2|
|A||Uses tequila as the quicker-picker-upper|
|A-||Drinks well with others|
|B+||Favourite colors are red and white|
|B||Drinks = Personality|
|B-||Frequent communication with husband & kids|
|C+||Bursts into tears regularly|
|C||Sloppy - repeatedly repeats|
|C-||Slutty - works the twerk|
|D||Combative - go fuck yourself attitude|
|F||Holding her hair back in the ladies stall|
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