Sure, my life isn’t perfect…
But my hair is, and let’s face it,
that’s what really counts.
As I sit idly at a stoplight, for the umpteenth time that day, my fingers reach up to fiddle with what can only be described as a hag hair. I’m acutely aware this monstrosity has to go, but stroking it is as soothing as a sedative. The hair itself is long, black, and titillating to my touch. The tip is pointy, and strong enough to hang a key. The rear-view mirror and cold light of day are a harsh reminder to leave a set of clippers in the car.
The fringe on my upper lip, when left in its natural state, provides a playground for my tongue. I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later. I stroke the soft fluffy duck down from my cheeks and wonder if I’ll have enough trimmings to make a pair of mittens. Well-defined eyebrows don’t need to be twins, but they should look like sisters. They frame the face and draw the attention to your eyes, leaving your cleavage envious.
During the childbearing and hormone hugging years, grooming becomes a challenge. At a certain age eyesight and flexibility become increasingly dicey. Busy bitches don’t always have time to mow their lady garden. It’s time to prune the shag carpet when it bushwhacks your lulu’s. It occurs to me that I have more than one contact on speed dial who is intimately acquainted with my hoohoo.
Straightened, teased, curled, plucked, tweezed, ripped, zapped, threaded, snapped. These are a few of my least favourite things ♪♫
Women endure such injustice for the sake of sexy. It’s hard to say whether its vanity or insecurity that drives us to grin and bare it. Regardless of the high cost and mind-numbing pain, women often remove up to 80% of their body hair. Men rarely contemplate a mankini or boyzilian. We uproot brows, lips, cheeks, chin, areolas, underarms, full arms, abdomen, kitty, butt crack, legs, top of feet, and toes. Men shave their face.
We’re on board with the full Brazilian, but for aircraft with higher mileage, it may be prudent to leave a mystery patch for those pre-flight inspections. A little something to hide the flaps when the landing gear starts coming down…
Sangria Wine Rack
|Bleed out if cut||Molten lava hot||Possible Burn|
|Done at home, dignity intact||Salon visit/or at home |
if you are a Sadist
|Salon visit only|
|Itchy red bumps/|
operation pocket scratch
|¼ inch re-growth is needed, just enough to look unshaven||Redness, extreme sensitivity, "fresh off the grill" feel|
|$ Invest in a good razor,|
beware of disposables
|$$ Stick with the professionals, sugaring is not as yummy as it sounds||$$$ Invest in a good technician, beware of imposters|
|Pain level: None if no nics,|
|Pain level: OMFG,|
|Pain level: Elastic band snappy, tequila shot recommended|
|Best results: done daily||Best results: if "bendy"||Best results: light skin, dark hair|
Tunes you should have on you iPod:
- Lady GaGa ✺ Hair
- America ✽ Sister Golden Hair
- Nazareth ✪ Hair Of The Dog
Hilarious hairy read: