Isn’t Life Grape!

Dummies For Wine Vol. 2 – Red Red Wine

By now, the wine should know enough
to come out of the store when I honk.

As much as I love red wine, red wine does not love me back. There’s speculation my inner barrel maxed out at 702 bottles. Consequently, anything more than a couple of glasses renders me less than civilized. Who is this moderation people are telling me to drink with? Exceeding that maximum in public leads to unladylike behavior, spit-talking, and the animated gestures of a coked-up mime. Wine sure flies when you’re having fun.

bucket of wine

Hosting a dinner party without wine on the guest list is inconceivable and uncivilized, even for the Amish. A rich Chianti pairs perfectly with Italian to satisfy every appetite, grazie Antonio. A sexy French Bordeaux knows how to warm you on the way down.  A sultry Argentine Malbec suggests it takes two to tango. Wine makes every meal an occasion, every table more elegant, and every chicken nugget classy.

We’ve all heard the health benefits of red wine, blah, blah, blah, but from a personal experience, it keeps me from losing my shit. On top of that, red wine has a muscle relaxer vibe, especially when paired with a sleeping pill. It works out the kinks like a Swedish massage. The next time you’re feeling knotty, unwind with a mellow Merlot.


Wine hasn’t always been kind to me, yet I constantly seek its approval. It’s caused me to hurl my foot to the floor with a Hail Mary prayer of stopping the spinners. It’s left a bruise when the cork prematurely ejected and clocked me on the chin. It’s forced me to abdicate the throne for a nap on the cold tile floor. It’s starved me out with nothing but dry toast. Who does that?

So why do I keep going back to the well. Because it’s intoxicating, the fountain of youth, and makes me fucking hilarious. It’s a sophisticated buzz that no one ever questions. Lord knows I’ve never been accused of being a cork tease.


The Fine Details

Why the bitchin’ headache?
Histamines, primarily in red wine, cause headaches, puffiness, and newborn baby rat eyes. Too many histamines are bad in bed, and grounds for a shitty sleep.

The terrible tannins
Wines with more intense colors tend to be bolder and have higher tannins. Tannins create a drying sensation in your mouth. A cotton-mouth indicates higher tannins, and isn’t just for stoners.

Airing it out
Pour red wine into a decanter for 10 to 20 minutes to smooth out the flavours and improve the bottle by $10-$20.
When you feel the need for speed, try a Vinturi wine aerator.
The more tannins in a wine, the more time it needs to breathe.
Darker, and more expensive wines have higher tannins and can be decanted for up to 2 hours.
Lighter-bodied red wines such as Pinot Noir need only a short time to breathe.
Uncorking a bottle of wine and leaving it on the counter doesn’t count as decanting.

Maroon-Stained Teeth
Eat cheese at the party. Hard cheese fights staining by coating the teeth with calcium.
Brush your teeth before going out for dinner, red wine sticks to plaque.
Drink sparkling water, the carbonation will rinse off the teeth.


Sangria Wine Rack

 Headache GaugeAvec FromageSexiness
Zinfandel / RoseMedium
Muenster, Blue,
Pinot NoirLow -medium
Feta, Monterey Jack, SwissSilky
Mickey Mouse
Gorgonzola, Jarlsberg, Gruyere Approachable
Cabernet Sauvignon High
Blue, Colby, Camembert Ripe
Sharp Cheddar, Edam, Stilton Juicy
Edam, Parmesan, GoudaSpicy

Recommended tunes you should have on your iPod:
UB40 ✤ Red Red Wine
Johnny Reid ✪ Let’s Have A Party
Marvin Gaye ✸ Heard It Through the Grapevine

Check out this week’s Sister Shout Out ~ Wine Folly

HELP A SISTER OUT! Refer us to your friends!

Join the discussion

  1. Dawn Marie Parker Pighin

    Love it. I love wine but it doesn't love me hahahaha

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