At this ripe age, if her briefs match her bra, canoodling wasn’t his idea. Valentine’s day used to be a laydown. An open-and-shut case of thumping thighs, cottontail style. Before my sexual fantasy was a solid eight hours of sleep.
The truth is, women over 40 are caught in a perfect storm. We run the family business from mailroom to CEO. On a quart short of estrogen. Add aging parents, permanent post-baby bods, and spur of the moment sex becomes one more chore.
Theory vs. Reality
Theory: Good sex is a workout for a woman’s pelvic floor, the muscles that slow the flow, and sidestep leakage and incontinence.
Reality: Sorry, the vagina you’re trying to reach is no longer in service.
Theory: Varying positions is a fun way to tone different muscle groups, and keeps limbs lean and flexible.
Reality: You don’t get more flexible than a Mom vag after multiple kids. It’s never gonna be the same down there.
Theory: HRT (hormone therapy replacement) masks uncomfortable symptoms like hot flashes and vaginal dryness.
Reality: If it doesn’t cover irritability I’m switching to HRT (husband replacement therapy).
Theory: Thirty minutes of vigorous sex burns 100 calories, or one small glass of wine.
Reality: Time to haul in a new bag of tricks boys. Add twat squats, two person push-ups, and paddling up coochie creek to your fitness routine.
Theory: Oestrogen, the hormone pumped out during sex fights breakouts, plumps skin, and smoothes fine lines.
Reality: An actual post-coital glow consists of smeared makeup, tangled hair, and eau’d sweat.
Theory: Semen contains as many nutrients as a multivitamin. When a woman swallows, her immune system boosts within 15 minutes.
Reality: Super food or super gross.
Theory: Their dicks
Reality: They’re dicks
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