Health

For Goodness Sex

At this ripe age, if her briefs match her bra, aggressive cuddling wasn’t his idea. Valentine’s day used to be a laydown. An open-and-shut case of thumping thighs, cottontail style. Before her sexual fantasy was a solid eight hours of sleep.

The truth is, ladies over 40 are caught in a perfect storm. We run the family business, from mailroom to CEO. On a quart short of estrogen. Add aging parents, permanent post-baby bods, and we’ve got ourselves another chore.

Theory vs. Reality

Theory: Good sex is a workout for a woman’s pelvic floor, the muscles that slow the flow, and sidestep leakage and incontinence.

Reality: Sorry, the vagina you’re trying to reach is no longer in service.

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Theory: Varying positions is a fun way to tone different muscle groups, and keeps limbs lean and flexible.

Reality: You don’t get more flexible than a super-stretched Mom vag. It’s never gonna be the same down there.

Theory: HRT (hormone therapy replacement) masks uncomfortable symptoms like hot flashes and vaginal dryness.

Reality: If it doesn’t cover irritability I’m switching to HRT (husband replacement therapy).

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Theory: Thirty minutes of vigorous sex burns 100 calories, or one small glass of wine.

Reality: Time to bring in a new bag of tricks boys. Add twat squats, two person push-ups, and paddling up coochie creek to your fitness routine.

Theory: Oestrogen, the hormone pumped out during sex fights breakouts, plumps skin, and smoothes fine lines.

Reality: An actual post-coital glow consists of smeared makeup, tangled hair, and eau’d sweat.

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Theory: Semen contains as many nutrients as a multivitamin. When a woman swallows, her immune system boosts within 15 minutes.

Reality: Super food or super gross.

Theory: Their dicks

Reality: They’re dicks

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  1. Ken m

    When you put it like that I am rather glad to be the male species.

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