As teens entrusted to an empty house, we’d sneak our posse through the backdoor the minute our parents walked out the front. Hostessing skills ranged from zero to zilch.
Entertaining was simple. No water, snacks, glasses, or mix (unless you count powdered Tang sprinkled into hard stuff). Cauldrons of paralyzers were whipped up by ‘ma witches.
The morning after was spent patching cigarette burns in the poly-pile carpet, or discovering a water bong simmering in the sauna. Back then, all you needed was a record player and a good dealer. Card dealer, that is…
My first apartment masqueraded as a frat house. We regularly pulled all-nighters without cracking a book. At one point my GPA was so low, it had applebottom jeans and boots with the fur.
Entertaining had graduated to chips and dip, or blocks of marble cheese with melba toast. Cooking failures led to late night takeout, and added a cup size to my Freshman 15.
We didn’t own a vacuum, and dishes piled high in the sink. The bathroom walls were covered with hair spray, and regret.
We started the Surf and Slush winter beach bash as a home party, but assclowns and overcrowding drove us to community halls.
Enter eternal afterhours favourite: cold cuts, cheese, pickles, and white tray buns. The buzzed and befuddled inevitably asked, “What time is the midnight buffet…?”
Cleanup was gag-worthy due to sticky, stale beer bottles and soggy butts in the urinals. Throughout the years we’ve learned you’re only as strong as the speakers you dance on.
Everything changed in our 40’s. The bar was raised by stay at home Martha’s day-drinking and creating heavenly homemade spreads.
If you can’t get butter infused with the tears of virgin Dutch milk maids…store bought is fine.
Our crowd puts the whore in hors d’oeuvres. We can spread ‘em with the best of them, but friends don’t give a shit if you’re a domestic diva or not. They’re thrilled with chips and dip!
No Fail Entertaining Tips
|2-3 weeks before||Make guest list||Choose venue||Pick a theme||Email invites|
|5 days ahead||Choose menu, make grocery list||Clean house thoroughly||Make a playlist||Stock the bar|
|2-3 days prior||Grocery shop||Dust off platters and serving dishes||Set out recycling and garbage stations||Stage the party for mingling|
|Lead-up day||Wash, chop and prep food||Decorate if it’s a theme party||Buy flowers||Mix Sangria, let mellow overnight|
|Game day||Finish last minute cooking||Give yourself time to shower, dress and unwind||Set out food||Provide driving alternative options|
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