Health

Don’t Go Bacon My Heart

Every day after school, I’d rush home to a hearty bowl of vanilla ice cream drenched in chocolate syrup. Ice cream has always given me the straight scoop. There’s no problem it can’t solve. However, in the last year my beloved crispy crunch blizzard evokes labour pain cramps that rip through my gut. How, I wonder, did my stomach get so soft?

A new and unfamiliar sign of age has materialized as a ‘delicate constitution.’ I have friends who abruptly had to give up bread, because it descended as a trouser-cough and was hard to digest. Was this how the expression old-fart originated?

The World Health Organization’s recent attack on bacon has offended my taste buds. Bacon is the main reason why I’m not a vegetarian. It’s time to take a stand and fight back, because what’s next…wine?

I try to eat healthy, I really do, but the rules are always changing. In the old days, I’d eat a Costco blueberry muffin for breakfast, unaware it was actually a giant piece of cake. I gave up white tray buns for whole grain. But dammit Cheez Whiz, I just can’t quit you.

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We’re constantly bombarded with new studies unveiling hidden dangers. Soy was once the golden child, now it’s been shipped off to boarding school. Low fat has all the flavour of cancer causing chemicals. There’s sulphites in wine, mercury in fish, trans fats in microwave popcorn. GMO’s? Might as well be outside ostracized with the smokers.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

My stomach isn’t meant to be a waist basket. I hose my filthy innards out with wholesome shakes, and clean eating. Scarfing back cream pasta and colonoscopy preps are the only cleanses I can muster. My poor body’s already going through enough changes. I don’t need to add hot flushes.

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I’d like to believe my body would be preserved, by virtue of being pickled. I balance organic vegetables with grease splatter and bacon kisses. I’d love to whip you up a healthy meal, but I’m really bad at measuring pasta. So if you and 79 of your friends feel like spaghetti, come on over.

Sangria Wine Rack

Food stays in your stomach for 2-3 hours.
The small intestine is around 2,700 sq. ft. or the size of a tennis court.
Cells along the inner wall of the stomach secrete 2 litres of hydrochloric acid each day.
We feel overly full after smalls meals because our acid levels drop as we age, hampering digestion.
The digestive system is home to more cancers than any other organ system.
Even if you were hanging upside down, food would still move down to your stomach.
We produce less saliva as we get older, which is significant because it breaks down food.

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Tunes you should have on your iPod:
Sarah McLachlan ✪ Ice Cream
Jimmy Buffet ✤ Cheeseburger In Paradise
Def Leppard ✹ Pour Some Sugar On Me

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  1. Ken MacLean

    The best food post ever (and I never use hyperbole). Damn the chutes, I love food too much to know any better!

  2. Dawn

    I love food way too much as well. LOL

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