After my son’s dental surgery, his girlfriend and I fussed over him, quietly competing for who loves him most. Mother-in-law clashes are customary, but for the first time I walked in her shoes. MIL’s are like wine. Sweet, fruity, dry, nutty, complex… and the reason you drink.
Over the years, our friends have shared hilarious mother-in-law stories. They range from angels, to ogres, to crazy as fuck. The following is a takeaway of the lessons we’ve learned, and the ones we’ll do our damnedest not to repeat.
✿ I’ll accept that I’m no longer your No. 1 girl.
✿ When I see I’ve hit a nerve, I won’t keep pounding it in.
✿ Why is your mother-in-law buried 18 feet down instead of 6 feet under? Because deep down she’s a very nice person.
✿ I will NEVER bleach your period panties…with or without your consent.
✿ I won’t lick the spoon and put it back in the pot (except when you’re not looking).
✿ I won’t raise my empty cocktail glass above my head, shaking the cubes vigorously whenever I need a four-finger refresher.
✿ I’ll never ask how much you weigh when we chat on the phone.
✿ Some say: my mother-in-law is an angel. Others say: you’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
✿ I love my mother-in-law, but I haven’t spoken to her in years. It’s not a fight. I just don’t like to interrupt her.
✿ I won’t question the divorce and my rights to see the children…when you’re still happily married.
✿ I won’t repeatedly mention how much I loved his old girlfriend.
✿ I won’t comment how tired you look. EVERY time I see you.
✿ Even if I have a favourite grandchild, no one will ever know.
✿ When it comes to disciplining your children, I’ll keep my opinions to myself. After all, toddlers are assholes.
✿ If you don’t have anything nice to say…you must be my mother-in-law.
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