1. Dear small line of dirt that won’t go in the dust pan. Fuck you.
2. Airline travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
3. As a result of this politically correct society, Santa Claus was suspended over a “Ho” comment.
4. Please rise and place your hand on your beaver, for the singing of the gender neutral Canadian anthem.
5. When you have to keep removing your headphones because your family won’t stop talking to you.
6. I hate waiting in line. I wish this lady would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
7. When my guy dives into my plate at a restaurant, before he’s even touched his meal.
8. People who say “do you smell popcorn” after they fart, just so we all take a whiff.
9. When friends send umpteen texts on a chain with only one word or emoji.
10. When the kids download shit on my computer, and it comes down with AIDS.
11. Me: Deletes everything off phone. My iPhone: Your storage is almost full, sucka!
12. Self-checkouts. My item is already in the bagging area, bitch.
13. Don’t tailgate me when I’m doing 60 in a 40 zone. And those flashing lights look ridiculous.
14. Retail clerks who stare blankly, then respond “it’s not in stock” without checking.
15. Radical changes to the interface after computer updates. Tech support says the problem lies somewhere between the keyboard and my chair.
16. I despise when I can’t neatly remove the sticker off of something new.
17. Telemarketers, don’t effing call me at dinner asking for 10-15 minutes of my time.
18. Filling out forms that don’t have enough space for the answer.
19. Automated paper towel dispensers that require your soul before handing over the goods.
20. Poli-Tick Tock. Politicians, like diapers, should be changed often. For the same reason.
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