He: Exactly how many men have you been with?
She: Hahaha, no.
He: Talk dirty to me.
She: I haven’t washed my bra in weeks.
He: Why watch cooking shows if you can’t cook?
She: Why watch porn?
He: You sound like your mother.
She: Don’t be a dick.
He: I bought you a treadmill for your birthday.
She: Why isn’t your wallet as thick as my thighs?
He: What do you do all day?
She: My alone time is for everyone’s safety.
He: Oh, relax.
She: Tension is the only thing holding me together.
He: How much do you weigh?
She: One hundred and sexy five.
He: Was it good for you?
She: If you’re a bad boy who’s a good man, then yes.
He: Hey baby, how about you and me doing that?
She: Like my pinkie toe, I’ll bang you on the table some day.
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A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
“First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.. Please enter command: I thought
you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6..2 and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!”
Tech Support
Husband 1.0 is running smoothly now, after stomping the shit out of all the bugs…